The Lacher Family

There’s a funny thing about blogging – you can really make yourself be whomever you want to be in writing. For my part, I have not tried to make myself better or worse than I really am. I guess you could say I am striving for transparency. But when that transparency will reveal things that are…well…less than flattering, it makes it really hard to get those sentences out. Might explain the relative silence that’s been going on here lately. So this post is going to touch on the yuck, and where I go from there.

The last few days have been inexplicably rough. I say “inexplicably” because I can’t even remember most of what was going on that triggered my downward spiral. Probably the biggest moment was on Thursday night, when Julia had a grieving episode that was pretty intense and wanted nothing to do with me – making Dan an hour late for his audio rehearsal at church. Yep, lots of self-imposed wife guilt over that one. There were other things too, but it all culminated in me being in tears pretty much the entire evening Friday, struck with the realization that my relationship with God had shrunk to consisting of grace at meals and brief prayers with the children before bed. So there I was – far from God, trying to find a way back and feeling overwhelmed. Mourning my “former” life, which quite frankly, was very comfortable and – dare I say – seemingly easy compared to our new normal. Feeling like I am not meeting the needs of ANY of my daughters. Emily acting like a little mommy because it’s like she feels this overwhelming need to help me particularly when she can see I am struggling. Norah going between playing independently and being overly emotional – both situations due to being looked over as the middle child. And Julia still learning how to be a part of a family, to receive the love we have for her. I am crying right now just writing all that out. OK, deep breath.

Anyway, I had the pleasure of attending a Steven Curtis Chapman concert last night. (Quick note – I am going to mention several songs here. If you are unfamiliar with any of them I suggest looking them up for a quick listen. It will probably make this post a bit more understandable.) I have always been a fan of SCC’s music and his message. Yes, the gospel message, but also his championing of adoption. As you may know, our adoption journey began before we were even married and has many touchpoints along the way. One of them was 6 years ago. I was pregnant with Emily and we went to a SCC concert with our friends Dave and Jen. That night, as he sang the song “When Love Takes You In” he showed the music video and I just wept, dreaming of the day that a Chinese daughter would join our family someday. Last night, as he sang that song, and showed the same video, I was weeping again. But this time, the tears were of joy that our daughter is an orphan no more and our dream is a reality, and tears of sorrow at the countless number of children who still long for a family.

Last night was really cool because it was a small venue and just Steven on acoustic guitar, telling the stories behind many of his songs. We own most of his albums, but it was like I was hearing some of the songs for the first time. God truly used the concert to “meet me where I am” and help reorient me toward Him. I was touched by “Yours” as I contemplated the thought that Julia is His and He has entrusted her to me. “Cinderella” had me weeping again. When Steven wrote that song, it was about his children growing up and him not wanting to have missed all the little moments because he was to caught up in work, etc. to make the moment. The song took on so much more meaning when they lost their youngest daughter in a tragic accident. I cried, grieving their loss and putting myself in their shoes. Suddenly, a night of holding my daughter in a rocking chair giving her the comfort she longs for didn’t seem so bad. I felt shame for the times I have rushed through bedtime so I could make sure to watch a favorite show, or when I have been checking my BlackBerry rather than playing with the girls.

Most notably was the song “For the Sake of the Call.” We feel so strongly that we were called to adopt and that God placed Julia in our family. But lately I have been struggling so much with how HARD it is. These lyrics just grabbed at my heart:

Not for the sake of a creed or a cause
Not for a dream or a promise
Simply because it is Jesus who calls
And if we believe we’ll obey
We will abandon it all for the sake of the call
No other reason at all but the sake of the call
Wholly devoted to live and to die

How can I claim the above for myself and be wishing for my “old life”? Saying Yes to God when He called us to adopt was a huge step, even though we had dreamed of it for so many years. But what good is one act of obedience if nothing else follows? It could be that this is just what God is using to break me out of the complacency I have always struggled with and TRULY follow Him. Notice the song doesn’t say “we’ll abandon the stuff we don’t really care about” but rather “we will abandon it ALL.” For the first disciples, that meant leaving behind their possessions, even their families. For me, that means leaving behind my “comfortable life” for the life of obedience to Christ that I desire.

The concert came at just the right time for me, bringing me back to a place where I feel like I can move forward. I got a chance to spend some time with a dear friend. And it put me in the proper mindset for the rest of the evening, when Julia slept horribly and we were in the chair with her most of the night – for the first time in about 2 weeks. Before the concert, I would have been angry and bitter about the backslide, probably losing my temper in the night and yelling. I’m not going to say I was completely peaceful all night, but I did sleep more soundly in that rocking chair than I would have otherwise.

Nope, it’s not all sunshine and roses here. In fact, I have seen myself in a pretty ugly light a few times since we have been home. I have felt more alone than any other time in my life. But I know that my Redeemer has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future (Jer 29:11). He has called us to this great adventure and our family will be better for it. I already can’t imagine our family without Julia. And I have the hope that all the hardship right now is shaping me to be more like Him.

(Sorry for the long post. Baring your soul just can’t be done in 100 words or less. At least not by me. Oh, and the title? A nod to another wonderful Steven Curtis Chapman song that was a great moment of praise last night, giving glory to the One who shows us such great love.)