The Lacher Family

The question is often asked “Do you love your adopted child the same as your biological child(ren)?” I have been struggling with this question lately, feeling guilty that I can’t say “yes” yet. Every day, I tell Julia I love her. Multiple times per day in fact. But sometimes I feel like I am trying to convince myself just as much as I am trying to convince her. There is no question that Julia is my daughter. But parenting a relative stranger (and being parented by a relative stranger for that matter) is different than parenting a biological child. With Emily and Norah, I wasn’t trying to make up for their pasts. They were with me from their first breath. And I didn’t feel guilty for the days that were rough because I knew in my heart we would get past them. With Julia, there is this unspoken pressure to have everything be wonderful because “this is what we wanted” (seriously, why do people say stuff like this with adoption and not with birth??) Another phrase comes into play here – “fake it ’til you make it”. This refers to loving your child when she isn’t being lovable, sticking with it when you want to quit, and all of a sudden one day, you realize that “I love you” isn’t just words anymore, but truth.

Today, I realized my love is true.

Julia and I were visiting at daycare and she was engrossed in some sand play with one of her teachers (it rained today so we were doing all sorts of fun stuff inside.) I decided to leave the room for 5 minutes just to test it out. I told Julia I would be right back and I went to visit Norah’s class for a bit. The whole time I was gone (again, we’re talking 5 minutes here but it seemed like eternity) I was engaged with Norah but inside felt like I was going to throw up. What was going on with Julia? Was she ok? Was I being gone too long?

I got back to her classroom and she was in hysterics. I walked in and through her tears she exclaimed, “Hi!” and practically fell over trying to quickly get to me. My heart broke. And it broke again about an hour later when I left for 2 minutes to use the bathroom and the same thing happened. And it broke AGAIN when we decided to let her teacher change her diaper (with me in plain sight) and the same thing happened. I was near tears myself. All I can think is that this is going to be SO hard for her. I am so thankful that we have forged this bond that she is scared to lose. I just wish she didn’t have to be scared to lose it. If only I could explain to her that Mommy ALWAYS comes back.

Anyway, today, as my heart broke for her and I just wanted to sweep her up and make it ok, I realized that I really DO love this little girl, and that my heart has completely swallowed her up as my daughter. Do I love her the same as Emily or Norah? No…but I don’t love Emily and Norah the same either. The true answer is that each child is different and each one is loved differently. But the QUANTITY of love I have for each daughter is starting to equalize. And that realization warm’s this mommy’s heart tonight.